Acknowledgment before questions

Conflict Matters: Acknowledgment before questions

Last month we started looking at the power questions can have to start dissolving conflicts. However before this power can be unleashed, we have to deal with a simple and central truth: feelings crave acknowledgment. They are like a child desperate for attention and as any parent knows, ignoring them is perilous. So what is really going on here? You might recall that in a previous column I listed three fundamental things we want – need - to believe about ourselves: I am a good person, I am competent, and I am worthy of love. Unacknowledged feelings in a conflict can be viewed as questions about these core needs: “Is it ok for me to feel this way, if so why don’t you understand and most of all why don’t you care?”

Of course it is not always appropriate to get into a discussion of feelings. If those involved are working to prevent a bomb going off in five minutes, this is clearly not the time. When there is less immediate pressure, even if we do remember that acknowledging what the other person is feeling might be useful, what stops us is: we don’t agree! Really, they shouldn’t feel that way: “there is no need to be this angry, they are blowing this way out of proportion!”

Especially when it comes to the ones closest to us, it is very easy for us to want them to behave, feel and BE in ways that match our expectations. One way to get around this is to separate the “feelings” conversation from the “what happened” conversation. Feelings come mostly from the limbic part of the brain; the part that is required because as mammals, we care for our young. This is where empathy arises. Reptiles don’t have it, we do - along with our mammalian pets who can become highly attuned to our feelings. Beyond the limbic brain, the outer layer is where conscious thought resides. Sadly, while our thoughts would have us believe we are in control, the limbic brain never got the memo and generates feelings without taking much notice of our thoughts. Who can stop blushing, or choose who they fall in love with?

Having recognised this distinction, we can genuinely acknowledge the other’s feelings, without agreeing with their version of what happened. Doing this requires practice, and what we are practicing is not some clever words to trot out. When I do that, my wife sees through me in an instant: “Don’t try that mediator stuff on me!” What is required is a pause for a limbic connection – to get an actual taste of what the other person is feeling – before expressing your understanding of that in your own words. Only then can you pull out some open questions, which we might look at next month.

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