Genuine curiosity: the pitfalls of questions

Conflict Matters: Genuine curiosity: the pitfalls of questions

Last month we looked at the importance of being heard; how none of us feel much like listening unless we feel the other person is also listening to us. And while you can’t force anyone to listen to you, you have infinite power over how well you yourself listen and good questions are a big part of that.

Inquire to learn. Check every question you are thinking of asking internally before letting it out: Am I asking this out of a genuine desire to understand? Or do I have some other motive? You can be sure that if you do, the other will sense it.

For example, anyone who has travelled with a child in a car has heard the question: “Are we there yet?” We probably feel this is not a genuine inquiry, and more likely means “I’m feeling bored/restless”. If so, this child is demonstrating a habit many of us hold onto well into adulthood: we dress up a feeling statement as a question: “Are you planning to leave your dirty dishes in the sink?” “Do you have to have the music so loud?” “Do you think it is fair to me when you….?”

Having recognised our own upset and resolved to put it on hold until we understand what is really going on for the other, the next challenge is giving up closed questions. Think of them as sweets: they taste good when they are in your mouth but are just bad for you in the long run. “Were you trying to do A or B?” is a closed question – the listener will feel you have already decided they must have been trying to do one or the other. An open question might be: “What were you trying to do?” Most closed questions can be rephrased as open questions, it just takes a bit of practice. And while you are considering a change in the way you ask questions, there is a simple two word translation for “Why?” which you can try. Why = what about…

It is very easy for your teenager to feel defensive when asked a question beginning with why, simply because (s)he so frequently experiences it as an emotionally laden judgement disguised as a question. Imagine being on the receiving end of: “Why can’t you pick up your clothes off the floor!?” If you take a few moments to recognise how irritated you are by *always* having to pick up after them, you might try something like: “What about the floor makes it seem like a closet to you?” (Probably not much better, if it still emotionally loaded, but it might get you some traction)

More on questions next month as they so powerful…..

Previous ……….. Next