Changes you can control

Conflict Matters: Genuine curiosity can be learned, and it is an art

While some say the only person you can change is the one you see in the mirror, most of us optimistically believe we can change others, or at least we believe they should change. If only we can make them see how right we are, of course they will have to change!

So how can we bring that miracle about? There are at least some things we can definitely change internally that make it more likely. The first is to flip certainty for curiosity. Certainty is fine when we are looking at our side. Flipping means becoming genuinely curious about what is on the other side – the only thing we know for certain before we ask questions is that the other side is different. The key here is the genuineness of our curiosity. That means using considerable will power to momentarily “park” our view. Continuing with the vehicle metaphor, our conviction we are right is the car, and “parking” here means getting out and walking over to have a look at the other car. Once we really do the first part – leaving our own view safe and secure on the other side of the road – we are free to be genuinely interested in the other car. At this point the words we use to ask questions are not important; because what the other person will get is our genuine interest. This shows respect, it shows you value them as a person and it shows you care what they think. Who doesn’t respond well to that! What might stop us is a fear that interest will be misinterpreted as agreement. No problem, this is covered next:

A second change we can make is from debate to exploration. Like flipping from certainty to curiosity this takes practice, because it means changing a well established habitual way of responding when we feel threatened. It even involves a little rewiring in the brain, because our mirror neurons programme us to respond in kind. (You can test this by smiling at a stranger when walking down the street.) So when the other person refuses to agree with us (even when we are obviously right), our mirror neurons want us to be equally stubborn. Luckily we do have free will, and the change here is not that great. All we have to do is notice our brain’s desire to mirror the other person, park that and concentrate on the difference between our two views. That is, figure out how to define the difference(s) in terms both can agree with. This makes it possible to see it less about who has to change, and more like a problem to be solved. The bomb has to be disarmed and the dishes done, we all want to sleep easy tonight…..

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