Communicating compassionately

Conflict Matters: Communicating compassionately

We all come with both needs and baggage, and that baggage is directly related to needs which have not been met in the past. In 1954 Maslow came up with a Hierarchy¹ which is still popular today. At the bottom level are the basic physical needs: food and shelter, then safety/security and above that, the need to be accepted, to fit in and belong, to be loved and find meaning in our life.

In the 1960s, Marshall Rosenberg² developed a system for non-violent, or compassionate communication (NVC) based on a similar belief that all humans share universal needs. He states that conflict arises when our strategies for meeting our needs clash. After physical well being, he identifies needs under the following headings: connection, autonomy, honesty, play, peace and meaning. “Connection” has the biggest list of (sub) needs which should come as no surprise: we are a very social species!

It can be a useful way to look at conflict: you and I are at odds because of the ways we are each trying to get our own needs met. The teenager really needs to stay on top of the responses to her last post, while mom really needs help with something practical, right now. Each need is (at least momentarily) unimportant to the other; and while that remains true, conflict is inevitable.

As in most of these columns, the answer is found in increasing awareness. It is not enough to just achieve clarity about our own needs, we have to remember to care about what the other person needs too. I say “remember” because as humans we are hard wired to care about others; that wiring just shorts out on occasion, especially when our own needs are not being met!

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