Restoring Relations

Conflict Matters: Restoring Relations

“Justice” is a term that has some meaning for all of us, usually formed while growing up and in particular from how our parents treated us when we did wrong. If we grew up in a family that followed the court system our parent might have named the (family) law we had broken, then prescribed our punishment. Children brought up in such households soon learn the system and become skilled at avoiding punishment, sometimes at the expense of their siblings!

In the early 1990s the Family Court started using family group conferences, rather than the court system described above, with remarkable results. After some years, the term “Restorative Justice” was coined and since then the principles have spread far and wide, so that today some schools have incorporated restorative principles into many of their operations. Perhaps the single most important principle is that those directly involved in the harm figure out between themselves what has to be done to “restore” the relationships. This is in stark contrast to the court-like hierarchical arrangement of handing over the decision making power to someone outside. Restorative systems do utilise an independent person, but only to act as a facilitator, not to serve out punishment.

Other principles found in restorative practices include respect, honesty, humility, accountability, empowerment and hope. In a simple dispute between siblings, the process can be as simple as a grown up asking the one who has “done wrong” the following questions: “What happened, what were you thinking at the time, what have you thought about since, what do you think the effect on (the other) has been?” And then asking the one who has been harmed: “What did you think when it happened, what have you thought about since, how has it affected you, what’s been the worst of it, what’s needed to make things right?” And then back to the perpetrator: “What do you need to do to make things right? How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again, what can I do to help you?” If these questions are asked in a non-judgmental way, devoid of any agenda, those affected are empowered to start taking responsibility for developing healthy relationships without having to appeal to a higher authority. Don’t we all want that?

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