At the crossroads

Conflict Matters: At the crossroads

No matter if we are facing a tiny conflict with our child over bedtime, a career threatening conflict at work or a fight with our life partner that goes to our innermost values, we have a choice as soon as we recognise it. We are standing at a crossroads, and what we do next will determine which road we go down.

The first choice is a very simple one, between fighting and problem solving. After that, there is also a far deeper and more subtle choice, between merely settling our conflicts and learning from them to become a better person. Fighting can seem so much easier, as if we are born knowing how to do this. We can imagine winning so easily, our fantasies convince us we are right, and righteousness feels great.

I believe we are also all born with the capacity to be open-hearted, to value respectful communication, to care deeply. Every conflict, however trivial, involves caring. There is no dispute without it. What happens is that we develop the habit of making all the good stuff conditional: I’m not going to do right by you unless or until you do right by me. Meanwhile, I am going to stick to caring about myself.

We do this, despite the obvious truth that conflict hurts. It stresses our body, closes our mind and shuts down our heart. Our negative emotions grow as empathetic communication and intimacy whither. We act defensively, ignoring or denying whatever we contributed to the conflict. We become unhappy and learn nothing, due to our conviction we are right.

The alternative is constructive engagement and collaborative negotiation. It may turn out that the real purpose of every conflict is to reveal what stands in the way of us learning and growing. Conflict can offer insights which lead to us discovering new depths within ourselves, developing as Ken Cloke says¹, “empathy and honesty, integrity and intimacy, caring and compassion.”

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