Negotiation

Conflict Matters: Negotiation

We’ve all seen American leaders steadfastly stating: “we don’t negotiate with terrorists!” Many movies show negotiation as a divisive power struggle. Closer to home, it is not unusual for parents to think there is something not quite right about “negotiating” with their children – isn’t that a sign of weakness? So what is negotiation and when is it useful?

One of my favourite authors (Bernie Mayer, see footnote below) on conflict resolution usefully defines negotiation as “ an interaction in which people try to meet their needs or accomplish their goals by reaching an agreement with others who are trying to get their own needs met.”¹ There are two ways we can approach any negotiation defined like this: firstly, we can strive to get our needs met while having little or no regard for the other person’s needs: I win, you lose and I’m fine with that.

Or, we can acknowledge the other person also has needs they are equally keen to get met, and so the negotiation becomes a process of figuring out ways both sides can get as many of their needs met as possible. This means thinking creatively: instead of seeing a single plate of food to be divided up, each side comes up with ways of adding to the meal. You wrack your brains to come up with something that costs you little, but has value to the other. Almost every negotiation contains elements of both approaches and it is very easy to recognise when the person you are negotiating with is not thinking about how value can be added to the mix, but rather is concentrating on simply dividing up what they see as a finite, limited resource between you. They talk of “rights”, and of a “good deal.” A compromise is sold as a good solution. They try to convince you they are not really winning, when you feel they are.

One way to change this behaviour is to visualise the thing being negotiated over as a Pizza, the aim is to see how you can both make it bigger, meaning you each get more when it is divided up. This is usually easier if there is an ongoing relationship. Which brings us back to parents and children. Absolutely these relationships involve negotiation. Every day. Everyone being passionate about their core needs and values is great – so long as equal passion is devoted to thinking creatively about how they can be met without this being at someone else’s expense!

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