How often is the dispute the other person’s fault?

Conflict Matters: how often is the dispute the other person’s fault?

As soon as we notice we are in conflict with someone else, it is very natural to see it as the other person’s fault and most if not all of our imagined solutions probably involve the other person changing. What could be more reasonable?

After all, if we agree that conflict only arises when the behaviour of the other person interferes with, or prevents my needs from being met, then surely the resulting conflict must be close to 100% their fault? My needs are completely legitimate, aren’t they?

On the other hand, most of us believe in free will. If so, that means we can decide to pursue a dispute, or to let it go. On that basis, if we choose to move toward conflict when we could have mitigated or totally avoided it, doesn’t that make the dispute close to 100% our fault?

So, it’s not simple to come up with a percentage. And personalities can make quite a difference. Some people really love a fight and won’t let it go, no matter what you do!! Bill Eddy (Google him) provides lots of practical guidance for dealing with what he calls High Conflict Personalities (HCPs). If you have to work with / for someone who is really difficult, ask yourself three simple questions to start with, does (s)he…

1. Blame a specific person for their problems?

2. Show a preoccupation with attacking that person and

3. Pull others into the blaming process (emotionally hook them)

Do they also show a depressing lack of self-awareness, have an excessive drive for self-expression and show no ability to change? Take everything personally? Jump to conclusions? Get emotional / angry at the drop of a hat? Assume they know what others are thinking? See things as black or white, with no gray? Zero in obsessively on some detail, missing the big picture?

Bill has some wonderfully simple and practical advice. For starters, you need good control over your own emotional reactions and to be able to think laterally. Then, practice three preliminary steps before taking action: use your EAR which here stands for: Empathy, Attention and Respect (Note agreeing is not on the list). If you can do this sincerely they will be ready to listen. Now you are ready for BIFF which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. Each one is SO important and deserves a column of its own, hopefully this has made you curious enough to seek out more detail on line!

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