Christmas Collaboration - when not to

Conflict style matters – What could possibly be wrong with collaboration, especially around Christmas?

Christmas and then holidays will be upon us shortly and it is an auspicious coincidence that we have arrived at collaboration: the ultimate challenge and potentially the most rewarding technique for solving disputes. Previously this has been described as externalising the problem: putting it out there (rather than inside someone else) so we can work on it together, free from the blame game. How could there be a problem with that?

Well, if someone is trying this on and it feels wrong, trust your instincts – at least to start with. If it really is genuine, the person using this technique has succeeded in teasing apart two threads within the fabric of their very being: they have separated the issue in dispute from any personal convictions they have about it, which is quite a feat. They may still believe they are right, but they are no longer fully identified with that “rightness”. Because they don’t see “being right” (in this moment) as being an inseparable part of who they are as a person, they are open to someone else being “right” as well. Amazing!

Collaborators are therefore open to really listening which, of course, means they want to be listened to as well. So if the person you are in dispute with is really, really listening to you, it is just possible they might be thinking about using this technique. BUT, as hinted at above, there are also plenty of other less noble possible motivations, so be cautious and don’t jump to conclusions. They might just be “fishing” for information to use against you. So how can you find out if they are genuine or not?

Start by listening to them equally carefully, and fully, without giving anything away. That costs you nothing. Be direct, and polite, they like that. Say what you need, worded carefully in the form of information about what is important to you, not as a demand or criticism. (Pretty good general advice, that).

If your tendency is to Avoid, Harmonise, or Compromise, steel your resolve, this is not the time. Rather, you need to manifest a touch of Assertiveness. Backing off and giving in will not satisfy the true Collaborator, who will just end up feeling like they have “won” – which is not what they want or need.

For the user of this style, two things are equally important: the relationship they have with you, and the agenda (the stuff you disagree on). Users tend to become a bit anxious – or at least frustrated – if you don’t match their style. And time is required, so it is not appropriate for situations where a quick decision is needed. It works really well where neither party perceives a significant power imbalance and there is mutual respect. May all your relationships enjoy that delightful state this Christmas, with love, and appreciation all around!

Previous ……….. Next