Dealing with someone who wants to compromise

Conflict style matters –Compromising -

This month we are looking at ways to respond to someone whose usual technique for dealing with conflict – at least with you - is to want to compromise. “Compromise” is an interesting concept, as it can provoke quite extreme reactions, from “Never Compromise!” at one end to “Comprise is the secret to a happy marriage” at the other.

So, as usual, the first question is, what might be behind this person’s use of this method for dealing with you? One answer might be simple reciprocity: the natural tendency we all have to “mirror” each other. In other words, if you are indicating you might be open to compromise, this might be enough to explain why they are using this technique on you. There are also a few less positive reasons they might employ this strategy: they might be bored with the argument, in a hurry or afraid. If you suspect such motives, you could respond with a “naive inquiry” along the lines of: “This is important to me, am I right in thinking you don’t have time to discuss it now? If so, when would work for you?”

What do users of this technique value? If you hear words like “fair”, “reasonable”, “give and take” these are all signs you may be dealing with someone fond of compromise: if so, they will be prepared to soften their stance, just so long as you match them.

They also value efficiency. They want a speedy, practical solution, and probably don’t want to engage in long, drawn out “deep and meaningful” discussions of all the ins and outs of the disagreement. Prolonged debate is anathema to them, which means that if you advance a long and/or heated argument to convince them of the “error of their ways” you may appear to “win”, but it is likely to be a hollow victory because they will remain resentful unless they truly believe the outcome is equally fair (or unfair) to both of you,

What this means is, if you don’t want to compromise, for example if you genuinely want them to argue their case so you can consider it in detail - but cannot persuade them to play ball – you will need to find some things to concede to them, even if you are convinced your arguments are superior. Only then is there a chance their need for an “equitable” exchange will be met. Give and take is the toast and jam of compromise. One without the other doesn’t taste as good.

Next month we’ll look at how to deal with someone who wants to “Collaborate” on everything!

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