Dealing with someone practicing avoidance

Conflict style matters

This month we are looking at ways to respond to someone whose usual technique for dealing with conflict is avoiding / withdrawal. Or, at least, that’s how they deal with you trying to get them to listen, change their mind or do something. As before, the first question to ask yourself is: “Why is (s)he using this technique on me now?”. Chances are, it’s because it works better than anything else they can think of; so the next question is: what can you do to that might make them respond differently? If you decide to rely on them to “grow up”, or “just listen” or “see sense” , you may be in for a long, frustrating wait. Modifying your own behaviour is so much faster!

If the other person has selected avoidance and is refusing to respond, effectively “stonewalling” you, this can be extremely frustrating. Your discomfort might also be quite satisfying for them, if they believe they have gained the “high moral ground” by not getting upset, adding to your irritation!

So why are they treating you like this? It may simply be their default response, they may see it as a way to “win” or it might just be the best they can manage under the circumstances. Teenagers frequently default to this: they have nothing like a grown up’s power in terms of money or possessions, they (usually) can’t leave and if you are their parent, it can be just too hard to try and get you to see things like they do; it is easier just to shut you out. Alternatively, if the user is a life partner, this technique is a favourite to avoid a fight seen as unnecessary. Whoever is trying this on, rest assured they really don’t want to have this “conversation” right now - although it is always possible they may be silently working on a reply.

So immediately you have some choices: stop and wait, persist in trying for a (meaningful) response, or postpone. You are at a crossroads, and recognising this is empowering! Your goal is engagement, so how are you going to get it?

Generally speaking, the more intense you become, the more they will withdraw. Someone employing an avoidance response is likely to react better to a two step approach: 1) stay calm and 2) give them time to think. Depending on the circumstances, you might decide to take some deep breaths and say something as simple as: “Having this conversation is important to me. I can see you don’t want to have it now. When would work for you?” Also check: the other person may really need more information before they feel comfortable replying. In which case, give them the information in a calm and measured way and then give them time to digest it before re-entering negotiations.

If you are thinking: “It’s not fair! Why should this all be on me?” One answer is: “Look in the mirror. Now you are looking at the only person you can be sure of changing.” Einstein famously defined insanity as doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. It’s time to try something different!

Next month we’ll look at how to deal with someone who has found compromise works best on you….

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