Dealing with someone attempting to direct You

Conflict style matters

If you have been reading these articles, you will be familiar with the four normal ways we can react when someone stubbornly refuses to see we are right: we either become quite assertive, or we give in, retreat or compromise. If we are particularly skilful, we try the fifth response: we get the other person to take equal ownership of the problem, and agree to work on solving it together.

So now let’s look at how we can best get along with someone who, either consciously or unconsciously, uses one of the above techniques whenever they feel thwarted. That might be your partner, child, co-worker, boss or indeed anyone you interact with on a regular basis. The first thing to remember is that this person learned this response as a child or young adult. It worked then, and so a good question for you is, does it still work? That is, when they use this technique on you, do they get what they want? If they usually do, why would they change? The answer to that might be: if I don’t let it work anymore and/or if I can show them a better way.

So let’s look at how you can respond to each of the four common techniques, starting with Directing / Asserting / Fighting to win. If your partner, child, co-worker etc usually flares up / tells you what to do when you have a difference, this can be quite intimidating. This article assumes the relationship is generally healthy. If not; that is, if you feel genuinely frightened, please stay safe and seek professional help as soon as you can.

Again, assuming you are in a generally healthy relationship with the person attempting to Direct you (fighting to win), then saying nothing can be frustrating for them. Withdrawing / avoiding is unlikely to be a long term solution. What they probably want is for you to agree with them, right now. Meanwhile they are expecting a certain reaction, based on the way you have behaved in the past.

Instead, you could offer an alternative form of certainty; a simple, genuine acknowledgement, without any concessions: “You are sure you are right. I get that.” You could then clearly state your intention to cool off and return to discussions later. If you try this, please be specific about when! There are three simple principles to keep in mind, no matter how you choose to respond to the Asserter: Attention, Respect, and Acknowledgement. Note that Agreement in NOT included! You can offer oceans of attention, respect and acknowledgment without agreeing to anything.

Those who use the Directive style can be quite task orientated, which means they sometimes don’t recognise the emotional impact of their actions: if getting the job done is their highest priority, you may be able to remind them that they do, in fact, value relationships which means considering the needs of others.

Next month we’ll look at how to deal with someone who has found Avoidance works best on you….

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