When to use collaboration

Conflict style matters

It has taken a while, but finally we have reached the first real alternative to the natural ways of responding when someone we have to deal with can’t see we are right. We’ve covered fighting to get our own way, how we feel when we give in, and when avoiding or compromising is the best we can manage. So what else could there be?

The thing about those four alternatives is that they all involve us wearing tinted glasses: the tint is our conviction the other person simply doesn’t get it, on some level. To put it bluntly, they are wrong. The best solution is obviously for them to see things more like we do, and to the extent any techniques achieve that, we see them as successful and will use them again.

Instead of tinted glasses, let’s consider an alternative metaphor: quicksand. When you and I have a serious disagreement, this image suggests it’s like we are fighting in quicksand. The more we struggle, the more we sink. What is different about this metaphor? We are both in it together. Actually, the quicksand is the real problem, not each other. The other person is not evil incarnate, (s)he is just another human being, equally stuck in this quicksand with me. Continuing to fight will doom us both; but if we relax, stop fighting each other and work together there is a chance we can both get out.

This is a huge shift. Instead of blaming the other person, seeing them as the problem, we now see the issue in dispute as the problem; and it is a problem we both have, so solving it needs to be a joint effort. That’s a collaborative approach and it requires a significant effort, simply because most of us are habituated to think that if our view or position is right, that must mean the other person is wrong.

Recognising how natural it is to feel this way is the first step. Then remember the quicksand. We are in this together. If I feel threatened, chances are (s)he does too. Next get a handle on what the real problem is, stated in a way both sides can agree on: the dispute is over what is fair, or the price, or when the kids need to be picked up, whatever; not who is wrong. Stay on topic. It is imperative that the problem remains out there, in front. Slip back into blame and we are lost.

When to use this technique? When both the relationship and the issues are important. When there is time, energy and interest in exploring options. When you want to continue living/working together cooperatively. When it works, this tool promotes trust and mutuality and is very rewarding. When to give it a miss? When time is short. When one of you doesn’t care. When the other person is actually, objectively wrong. And beware of over use: because it is counter intuitive and hard work, people tire quickly. Please make sure everyone involved cares as much as you before bringing out this tool, as it can backfire.

Next month we’ll start looking at how you can use your knowledge of the different styles to work best with someone who habitually uses (or tries to use) one of them on you!

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