When to use compromise

Conflict style matters

So far we have looked at a few different ways we can choose to respond when someone can’t see we are right: we can use some form of strength to get our own way, let the other person win this time, or manage to avoid the problem altogether (at least for now). What else? The last approach in this group of four is compromise.

The defining characteristic of this approach is that no one gets everything they want: compromise means both sides give at least a bit. We choose this strategy when we suggest bargaining to the other person: if you do this, I’ll do that, let’s split the difference, I’ll meet you halfway….and so on. If it really works – if each of us really does both give and receive, then we have achieved a compromise. The obvious risk is that someone lies, in which case that person is really just using a variation of fighting to win (being Assertive / Directive).

True compromise is based on, and depends upon a shared sense of fairness. If both parties are also pragmatic, moderate and practical it can work really well. It can be fast and efficient, leading to a result both parties can live with, seeing it as fair and reasonable “in the circumstances”. But it totally depends on the two parties having all those characteristics in common. Put someone who wants to compromise together with someone who wants to win and it’s lambs to the slaughter.

And there are plenty more downsides:, no one really gets what they want, so no one is really happy. Bland mediocrity. Agreeing to compromise too soon may cut short what might have been a far more productive conversation. A compromise may be no more than a “patch up” which provides only a temporary solution as no one’s interests have been fully satisfied.

So when to use? When getting a quick settlement is a high priority, more important than exploring all possible options. When having a settlement, even if not that great, is preferable to the continuing stalemate. And when trying other strategies is only interpreted as you trying to win.

And when not to use? When you really do need a creative and lasting solution. When getting less than you actually need is intolerable. When the principle you believe is at stake simply cannot be compromised.

What all four have in common is that in each case we remain pretty comfortable with the fact that the other person is just wrong and that is what we have to deal with. The fifth way of dealing with conflict involves a real shift in thinking. Tune in next month for the next instalment.

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