Conflict matters and power plays

Conflict Matters and power plays.

Once in conflict, we can choose how to use our power, but the only choice we don’t have is to bring no power: everyone has power in a dispute. Think of a four year old with a parent in the supermarket. The child wants the parent to buy a candy bar. Four year olds are generally already well versed in the use of power, and (s)he will probably work through variations of the three methods we are all familiar with when exercising whatever power we have to persuade another:

1. We appeal to their values, beliefs, better selves

2. We appeal to their self interest (what’s in it for them)

3. We use threats/force

Bernie Mayer, an experienced mediator and author describes power in this sense as “ the ability to get one’s needs met and to further one’s goals.” ¹ Thinking of the four year old in the supermarket, although the parent has formal authority, physical strength, financial resources and the ability to reward or punish the child….. yet sometimes the child still gets the candy bar. How can this be? Because the child has energy, focus, desire and the willingness to use whatever power (s)he has – including the power to embarrass the adult – and boundless creativity.

No matter if it is your toddler, teenager or spouse trying to persuade you, or you trying to get a new process accepted by resistant family or staff…..in each case the same three basic tools are in play, and each require the exercise of power.

Where does the power we exercise in conflict come from? The first of two sources is “personal” power. This includes our determination, knowledge, charm, wit, courage, eloquence/communication skills, energy, and creativity. Again, think of what the four year old tries on the parent in the supermarket. And personally, what does our spouse / teenager/ infant try on us? What do we use on them?

The second is what Bernie calls “structural” power, which includes such things as resources (for example, money or time), the law, formal authority, objective criteria.

So what can you do to increase your own power? Make the conflict process constructive: name the conflict, confront your own tendencies to avoid conflict, become clear about what you and the other(s) genuinely need.

For many reasons, including love, we may wish to protect others (or ourselves) from conflict. Sadly, one side effect can be the stunted development of those personal skills listed above, which are so essential for effectively engaging in the inevitable conflicts we all must face.

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