When to be Directive

Conflict style matters

Why does it matter what style you follow? Because “no one style suits all situations”, so you need to know enough to choose the right outfit. Last year we looked briefly at the five most common ways we react when others stubbornly refuse to see we are right. In the four alternatives below, each is described in both positive and negative terms:

• Being Assertive, or Directive (Fighting to Win)

• Harmonising, or Accommodating (Giving in)

• Avoiding (Running away)

• Compromising (Giving in a little bit)

The fifth alternative is the only one that resists all attempts to describe it negatively: Collaboration, or Co-operation (solving the problem together).

The fact that each of the Big Four can be described in both positive and negative terms provides a hint of how important it is to choose the right response for the situation: if we decide to be kind, gentle and accommodating (wanting to restore harmony) and the other person simply sees us as weak and walks away feeling they have won, then maybe that was not the best technique.

The point is, each of these five techniques can be the best so the trick is to be familiar with all of them, so you can choose the right one at the time. This month we’ll look at the pros and cons of being Directive, as every parent uses this technique at least sometimes with their kids. When I was young one of my friends lived in a household that included 6 children. The father was very directive, he used to say, with a smile: “This is my house and I’m bigger than you!” Needless to say he had to change to a different technique when the boys grew up, but it worked well when they were young. The obvious benefits include speed and stability. Security and predictability arise from setting limits and enforcing them. There isn’t a parent in the world who has not settled a dispute with their child by saying “No” when that is what it takes to protect them. When used skilfully, being directive can definitely be the best technique.

So what are the downsides, or times when it really doesn’t work? Well, for starters, children grow up. A parent cannot enforce their will on a teenager like they did when that child was five. Overuse of the Directive style in a family situation can lead to resentment and reluctance to co-operate. Worse, it can result in a lack of self-respect, loss of creativity, less self-motivation and withdrawal. It can be equally bad for the parent: if others fear to challenge them, their self awareness and ability to empathise with others remains stunted, with reduced emotional development.

So here is a quick check list: if the situation fits into one of these, being Directive may be the most useful technique to use:

It’s an emergency; there is no time for discussion; weaker parties need protecting; the issue is trivial and others don’t really care about it; there is a principle at stake that you will pay any price to preserve. If none of these apply, maybe one of the other techniques would be a better choice….

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