Teenagers and parents

Conflict matters - Are you a starfish thrower?

Last month we finished with a conflict between a teenager and a parent over when the young person has to be home by. Typically each sees the other as having quite specific, inseparable characteristics: the parents really are old, out of date, cruel and unfair, the teenager really is inexperienced, ignorant, and vulnerable. Yet even a moment’s pause is enough to remember this is not the whole truth. If we separate out the issues from the individuals, what is this really about? Sometimes it is simply the parent’s need to keep their child safe versus the young person’s need for independence. As with any other dispute, we can choose what level we deal with it on, with harsh judgement being simplest: the parent sees the teenager as “irresponsible” and the teenager sees the parent as “dictator.” Based on that, the parent lays down the law: “10pm” and the teenager has only two choices: obey or be punished. On the next level, a little bit of mutual respect enters the mix, some negotiation becomes possible and deals are made.

If we look deeper we realise that wanting to keep our children safe is primordial, and closely linked to fear. The teenager’s need for freedom in this case is closely linked to shame – they care so passionately about what their peers think of them, having to leave before anyone else can be agonising. Fear and Shame; heady stuff, no wonder these disputes can get so heated.

Ultimately what needs to happen is for a transfer to take place: the responsibility for the young person’s safety transfers from the parent to the youth, as the family system evolves from being based on parental control to a voluntary, consensual, adult relationship grounded in familial love. Managing this transfer is a challenge all families have to deal with as their children grow up. Sadly, some never evolve past the “laying down the law” stage. The good news is that even the tiniest positive change in your own behaviour can have amazingly far reaching effects; the “Starfish Story” (adapted from Loren Eiseley’s 1969 essay) illustrates this wonderfully:

A young child was staying at the beach. The morning after a storm, (s)he went for a walk to see what had been washed up. The beach was covered with starfish, slowly dying in the rising sun. The child noticed in the distance someone seemed to be dancing at the edge of the sea. Drawing closer, this person was indeed in constant, graceful movement, repeatedly picking up starfish and throwing them into the sea. The child asked: “What are you doing? There are thousands of starfish, you can’t possibly make a difference; they are all going to die!” At this, the starfish thrower paused, smiling at the starfish in hand, then at the serious observing child before sending the starfish through the air and back into the sea with a laugh: “Made a difference to that one.”

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