When to be accommodating

Conflict style matters, part 2

Last month we looked briefly at the first of five common ways we react when others stubbornly refuse to see we are right: being Assertive or Directive (Fighting to Win). As a method, it works really well some times, not so well other times and overuse can be disastrous for relationships . As with all five techniques, the trick is to know when to use it.

The second one is Harmonising or Accommodating (Giving in). Most of us like harmony and almost all of us will use this technique sometimes. There are obvious advantages: we are flexible and easy to work with, we fit in well with others; we are nice to be around. So what is the technique, exactly? Simply putting the relationship ahead of our own agenda – “It’s not a big deal, (s)he cares about it much more than I do, let it go…” Sometimes it is simply not worth a fight: we have a different view and can clearly see the other person is wrong….but it doesn’t matter; or rather, what matters more is keeping the peace. This technique is used by almost everyone when they are falling in love.

If our motivation really is Pure Love; if we really do care more about the other person’s happiness than proving we are right and they are wrong; then this can be a great technique. By that I mean, a technique which really does resolve the dispute, leaving no bad feelings behind. It is hopefully obvious that this technique requires a Lot of Love. More than most of us can muster when the dispute is over who does the dishes. If you are cleaning up all the time, (including after your “friend”) can you honestly say you are doing it out of love, with no resentment at all? (Good for you if you are!).

And resentment is not the only by product of misuse of this technique. It can lead to depression and stunted personal growth and sadly it is not uncommon for the chronic user to become dependent on the one who is “winning”. Then there is the effect on others: it is not good for anyone to always get their own way; power corrupts and they become arrogant and selfish. At work others may become frustrated, if they are expecting a “robust exchange of ideas” as part of a problem solving session and all they get is soft (or mute) acceptance. These people are also denied the contribution of the harmoniser: they never find out what ideas the quietly spoken peace maker is keeping to themselves.

For each of these five techniques, we’ll finish with a short check list: if the situation fits, pull this tool out and use it. So for harmonising: if keeping others happy really is your primary focus or when you really don’t care about the issue, go for it. And, as we all instinctively know, it is the default technique if expressing your true position would put you in serious danger. However, please remember it is just a temporary “solution”. For example, if you are being bullied, go to someone you trust as soon as you get away. And if none of these apply, maybe one of the other techniques would be a better choice, so don’t forget to check in next month: the idea is to become really familiar with all five so you can choose the right one for the situation.

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