Those Infuriating Answers

All of us have to deal with answers that aren’t answers at all – from our children, parents, partners, work colleagues and subordinates. Some common ones include:

*“I don’t know”, “Nothing”, “Whatever”, “No”, “Because I said so”, “That’s the way it is”, “Because I’m the boss / older than you/ know best….”*or just the dreaded silence.

What these all have in common is that the person giving you (or refusing to give you) an answer doesn’t want to have this conversation just now. One way or another, if their response hurts, that fits my definition of a dispute: a difference plus an uncomfortable feeling. Which means we do have the power to do at least one thing: we can change the way we feel. We start by recognising that as long as our happiness depends on the other person behaving the way we think they should, we are most likely doomed to disappointment!

Part of the reason we are so willing to make our happiness conditional on the other person changing is that sometimes it works – sometimes the other person DOES change to make us happy. All well and good – until they don’t.

So what can we do then? First up, we can check our assumptions. It is very easy to assume the other person is at fault: they don’t respect us, they are selfish, arrogant, uncaring, childish, mean ….(fill in your own assumptions here). Or, if we are more tolerant, we might assume they are just too busy, or too tired, distracted or preoccupied with stuff they think is more important. If, however, we manage to recognise that actually, no matter how close we are, such answers (as listed above) can never provide us with enough information to be sure of what the other person’s motivation really is; well even that is usually enough to reduce our level of hurt.

Some of the best mediations I have ever been in have been the ones where the parties finally realise how wrong the assumptions they have been making about each other have been. And if recognising that your assumptions are almost certainly wrong (or at least, incomplete) isn’t enough to make your hurt go away, then you can consider your next move, which will need to be very situation specific. Perhaps you might decide to tentatively test your assumptions: “So it sounds like you…..?” What other possible next steps can you think of?

“

Previous ……….. Next