Those Infuriating Answers - Part 2

Last month we looked at some examples of what happens when we want to have a conversation – and the other person very clearly doesn’t! We considered gently testing our own assumptions first, and were left wondering what else might work….Well, we could think about the unspoken messages we are sending to the other person as we try to start the conversation, what are they sensing our agenda is? If we have already decided the other person is guilty, wrong or just needs to change, chances are they will sense that very quickly and react defensively.

Perhaps the simplest rule is that we need to have two things firmly in mind before starting: genuine respect for the other person and an outcome that benefits them as well as us. Worth reading that twice, or at least slowly

The topic needs some preparation too: if we think this is going to be difficult, we might be tempted to try and simplify it, for example focusing on recent events when the real cause lies back in the past. That’s unlikely to work. The point here is we need to be focused on the main issue, rather than just the most recent event which (from our point of view) was the “last straw that broke the camel’s back.”

With this in mind, it usually helps to focus on patterns of behaviour, rather than specific instances. This is because most of us find it very easy to defend (or excuse in ourselves) a single act, whereas a carefully worded question about a pattern of behaviour will hopefully start an actual conversation, rather than just another argument “I notice we never seem to be able to have a conversation about (some behavioural pattern you don’t like), why do you think that is?”

So for this to have a real chance of success we have to leap three hurdles: firstly, we need to be able to generate some real respect for the person (perhaps by remembering what they just did – again (!) - is not who they are really). Then we need to have something in mind that will benefit not just us, but them too. And lastly we need to be able to frame a question that will actually start a conversation about the pattern of behaviour we see, rather than just zeroing in on the last example. Give it a go and let me know how you get on!

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