Peace Foundation The Five Magic Questions

A few months ago I said a bit about the Peace Foundation [1]and the work they do with school children (See February issue). One of the most useful things we all learn growing up is how to name and understand what we are feeling – despite this seldom being formally taught!

One way the Peace Foundation helps children to develop this “natural intelligence” is to teach them to use the “Five Magic Questions”, firstly on each other. One of the many benefits is that the one asking the questions has to practice selfcontrol: if it is me, I have to hold back and not give in to the temptation to offer advice. In other words, I have to forget myself for a moment and just give the other person the undistracted space to consider each question.

The first question you ask your friend who clearly has a problem is:

“What happened…..or…what is your problem?” And then listen. Hard. When they stop talking, summarise what you just heard (it helps if you use some of their words): “So your problem is…….” Once they agree you have understood then (without any other comment) just ask the second question:

“What are you feeling about this?” Again, just listen and when they finish, check you have understood by asking, or if they can’t answer, try guessing: “Sounds like you feel…?” and wait for them to correct you, or agree. Keep going until you are sure you both understand at least some of their feelings. Then ask the third question: “What are you thinking about this?” Each time the critical thing is to not put in anything of your own, just stay silently open to what they are saying, and then check by repeating at least the highlights: “So you are thinking……?” The fourth question is: “What do you need right now?” This is such a great question….IF the person really had the time to think about the first three questions and get some clarity, then when they hear this question, there is a good chance the answer will spontaneously appear, and it doesn’t matter if it appears to be about someone else. Once they give the answer, just wait for it to sink in, before repeating it in their words: “So you need…….” And then ask the last question: “What can you do to help solve the problem?”

The magic of this process is in the respect. By asking these questions and proving you understand what is going on for them, without any of your own comments you are demonstrating that you really trust them, you believe they have what it takes to figure out how to deal with this. And the technique can work equally well on adults and even if you are all alone – just ask yourself the same questions. I have seen real magic happen when that last question turns on a light bulb, and it is beautiful!

[1] https://www.peace.net.nz/

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