Difficult conversations: identity

Conflict Matters: Difficult conversations: identity

Last year we looked at “difficult conversations”; defined as any conversation someone doesn’t want to have. We can consider any such conversation on at least three levels: facts, feelings and identity. Having previously briefly discussed “facts” and “feelings”, we still need to cover off the last aspect: identity.

Difficult conversations can threaten or disrupt our sense of who we are. In particular, most of us like to believe at least three things about ourselves: I am competent, fundamentally good and worthy of love. Having any of these questioned is akin to an internal earthquake, we can literally feel “shaken”.

One of the main reasons for this is the habit to default to “all or nothing” thinking when under stress: I’m either competent or incompetent, good or bad, worthy or love or unloveable which leaves us only two choices when attacked – deny anything which is inconsistent with our own self image, or accept it and die inside. All parents have seen their children struggle with these responses. At one extreme, refusing to acknowledge I made any mistakes makes a difficult conversation as impractical as swimming without getting wet. At the other extreme, believing it is all my fault, that I am useless, incompetent and unloveable is allowing a (relatively) small event to represent our entire sense of self. We all do exaggerate like this at times, and no one presses our “guilt button” like those closest!

There are two steps to overcome this all or nothing thinking habit. The first is becoming aware of your own, personal identity; where are you most vulnerable? The fastest way to answer that question might be to ask those who love you. Your partner might be happy to tell you how you can’t stand to be wrong, or how you cringe at the thought someone you respect might see you as mean. The second step is recognising the two extremes: “I am perfect” or “I am worthless” are falsely simple and we don’t have to choose either one. For example, no parent can truthfully say: “I am always there for the children.” And no one can say: “I am always a good listener”. We all contain constellations of qualities and characteristics, both good and bad.

Given that truth, what we can accept about ourselves is at least threefold: I have made mistakes and will continue to make them; mine and others intentions are more complex than they appear; and I have contributed to the problem.

Remember, the other person’s identity is likely to be threatened by this conversation too, so take the time to think about how (s)he is likely to react. Where are they vulnerable? Unless you are careful it might quickly become about what each person thinks is being said about them, as a person.

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