Difficult conversations: Feelings

Conflict Matters: Difficult conversations: feelings

Over the last couple of months we have been looking at “difficult conversations”; defined as any conversation someone doesn’t want to have. We can consider any such conversation on at least three levels: facts, feelings and identity. While “facts” are supposedly at least somewhat objective, feelings are deeply personal and subjective, which is challenge enough. They are also difficult to talk about simply because we don’t feel in words. None of which makes them unimportant. Recent research has established that without feeling, humans struggle to make even the simplest decisions.¹

Just the thought of having a difficult conversation can give rise to internal questions like: is what I am feeling valid? Appropriate? Should I deny, hide or discount these feelings, or put them out there? If my indignation or anger feels righteous, do I still need to hold back? And what is the other person going to feel once I start? Despite the difficulties involved, talking (skilfully) about feelings is usually useful because they are so often the very heart of the problem. In “Difficult Conversations” ² the Harvard authors describe attempting a difficult conversation without addressing feelings as like putting on an Opera without music: the audience might be able to follow the story, but will totally miss the point. The good news is, talking about feelings is a skill like any other, so it can definitely be learned!

If I currently think of feelings that arise during a dispute as either irrelevant (it’s the facts that count!) or if I believe the way I feel is their fault, maybe it’s time for a change. If we want to develop our skills, cultivating curiosity about our own feelings is a great start. Try digging a little, what’s really going here, what’s underneath? Sometimes the assumptions we make about our own feelings are overly simplistic (or even just wrong). This is because feelings are more complex and nuanced than we generally give them credit for, and they are also masters of disguise. For example, they get translated into judgments (“If you were a real friend you would have been there for me!” is a translation of “I feel lonely”) and attributions (“Why are you trying to hurt me?” is a translation of “I feel hurt”) So it is with others, yet it can still be worth acknowledging what we think someone else is feeling. Otherwise, unexpressed feelings may “leak” into the conversation anyway! The skill is in how they are expressed. “I feel angry” is not only more accurate than “You make me so mad!” (Do they really have total control over you?) it is also harder to argue with. To develop your skills, choose the right moment to start with these two words: “I feel……..” (Not “I feel you….” because that is actually the start of an opinion)

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