I’m a failure! – Separating the actor from the action

Conflict Matters: “I’m a failure! – Separating the actor from the action”

Much as I usually love to hear people using “I” statements, I don’t like hearing: “I’m a failure” – because it is just so wrong – but very natural. We all struggle to distinguish our identity, or sense of self from our actions. So why is it so easy, even effortless to make the jump from “I did something stupid” to “I am stupid”?

Every mother is a natural at making the distinction between our real self and our actions: when her child does something wrong, or even “bad”; she remains steadfast in her conviction her child is essentially “good”.

And every religion teaches the distinction too: a Christian might say, “Love the sinner, not the sin”. I know many mediators who have a similar passionate belief in some essential core, essence or underlying nature which all of us have: a limitless potential; waiting to be woken. You might think of our real nature or true self as like the sun, while our actions done out of ignorance are like clouds which obscure it.

Thinking about it while reading this, it is so obvious self abusive thoughts like “I’m stupid!” are not absolute truths – and yet at the time they appear to be! So what to do? I was having lunch recently with a friend who was bemoaning the fact that her young children don’t listen to her any more, even when she raises her voice. As she is now a conventionally very successful person; grown ups give her the utmost respect – so why don’t her kids? Without thinking, I said this could be seen as proof her children have utter and complete faith in her unconditional love for them, and what could be better than that? Those of us who are lucky enough to have been nurtured by unconditional love have a head start on dealing with that horrible inner voice, but virtually no one is immune from occasional attacks of self doubt. As a mediator (and not a counsellor), my way to addressing such thoughts is twofold: 1) Ask open questions (more about that another time) and 2) simply “be with”.

“Being with” someone unconditionally is about the differences between sympathy, empathy and compassion. By “sympathy” I mean we feel something of what the other is feeling, but we are also well aware of the separation between us: “that’s terrible!” (and thank God it isn’t me). Empathy is when we hurt with them, so they know we are feeling what they are feeling. Compassion is when we not only hurt for the person – like a mother hurts for her child - but there is also a commitment to do something about it, which hopefully includes empowering: “I know you have what it takes to get through this, and I am here to support you doing that.”

Where do you want to be on that spectrum, for your friends and loved ones?

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