Feelings versus opinions

Conflict Matters: “Feelings versus opinions”

Using “I” statements is one of the first skills the Peace Foundation teaches school children via the “Cool Schools” programme¹. I recently attended an advanced training for some students just starting their last year at a large secondary school, and watching these young adults quickly figure out how to use the skills they learned was very inspiring.

Most of us have learned that when we have a problem with someone, starting a conversation with “You…” generally doesn’t work (“You never listen!”). Instead we learn a bit of self control and start with “I” and if we are really disciplined the next word is probably “feel”. But after that great start it can still go badly if the third word is “like”, as in: “I feel like you aren’t hearing me”; or “I feel like you don’t understand”; or “I feel like it’s time to….”

What is going on here is fascinating – aren’t we trying to disguise our opinion as a feeling? That third word “like” is an obvious giveaway: feelings don’t need it. For example: “I feel sad”; “I feel angry”, “ I feel frustrated”; I feel irritated”; none of those need, or can even work with “like” in front. Mind you, there are plenty of other opinions which don’t need “like” to sound like feelings.

Here is a link to a very useful list² of opinions which are frequently presented as if they are feelings. The reason we do this is simple: we all know that it is acceptable and normal to feel, we all have feelings and we all struggle with them, so no one is going to criticise us for expressing a feeling, right?

Whereas opinions are very different: we expect them to be reasonable, and up for challenge. So if someone actually expresses an opinion but presents it as a feeling, it is harder to argue with. Let’s take a simple example: someone says to you: “I feel let down”. This person certainly is experiencing feelings, probably anger and frustration at least! But instead of owning and acknowledging those feelings in words, they subtly express their opinion that you have failed to do something they think you should have done – which is most likely just going to make you defensive.!

What we teach the students about this is just three lines:

1. When …….

2. I feel……..

3. Because……….

   One student instantly had an example of what she is going to say to her younger sister next time:

   “When you take my phone, I feel annoyed because I waste time looking for it.”

   The great beauty of this formula is that it reminds us these are our feelings, and it assumes others will accept and respect that. No one has the right to tell us how to feel (or not feel), and while we can offer others the opportunity to help us feel better, ultimately it is up to us to deal with our feelings.

   After this article was published, Christina contacted me to correct a couple of things:

   “Hi William,

   Thank you for sending this link through.

   A great article which you have put together very well. I really love your explanation of feelings verses opinions and the ‘like’ phenomenon. Are you okay if I print your article off and use it for other educational purposes William?

   Just a few corrections for your own interest. The secondary school programme is not called Cool Schools … that is the primary programme. The secondary is called LtPM (Leadership through Peer Mediation)

   The “I” statement format we teach now is:

   I feel … When … Because …

   not

   When … I feel … Because …

   The reason we now encourage “I” statement users to put the ‘I Feel’ first is the receiver is less likely to feel threatened. Often the ‘When’ is followed by a ‘you’ (E.g. When you take my phone without asking, I feel frustrated because I do not have a phone to use when I need it). If the speaker gives emphasis to the ‘you’ then it can feel a little like a ‘you’ statement and therefore threatening for the receiver/listener. As a result, the “I” statement may not have the positive impact that is intended.

   I hope that makes sense.

   Cheers, Christina”

   Click to go to The Cool Schools pubic Facebook page

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