Difficult conversations

Conflict Matters: Difficult conversations

A “difficult conversation” can be defined as any conversation we don’t want to have. When we look at why we don’t want to have this conversation, we can probably come up with wonderfully creative reasons, but really it all comes down to this: at least one person is not going to like what is said.

Difficult conversations are inevitable at work, at home, at school and everywhere two or more of us humans gather together. I am currently reading a wonderful book published by the Harvard Negotiation Team on the subject¹.

It’s simple premise is that every such discussion needs to take place on three levels, or at least address three different concerns which each party will have. The surface level is all about the facts: your teenager came home well after the agreed time, or something happened at work which cost the company a lot of money, or someone didn’t remember (yet again!) to do what they promised they would do.

We tend to concentrate on this level, in the hope that if the facts are agreed everything will flow naturally from that. Responsibility will be accepted and apologies will be given. Yet we know this does not always hapen, even when the “facts” are agreed, and even less so when they are not. So what is going on?

The second level is even trickier, because talking about feelings does not come naturally to most of us as we don’t feel in words. The trouble is, we often are unaware of our own deeper feelings (let alone the feelings of others), and that lack of awareness can be disastrous. Feelings have an uncanny knack of finding their way into the conversation unbidden, and usually not in a helpful way. Figuring out what we are honestly feeling, and becoming genuinely curious about what the other is feeling before speaking can do wonders for the conversation.

The last level is the deepest: if we really look inside while thinking about the upcoming conversation we may find it is threatening one or more of three basic truths most of us want to hold on to: “I am a good person, I am competent, I am worthy of love.” So we need to find a way to have the conversation that is consistent with these beliefs, otherwise we will experience an “identity quake” which is as uncomfortable as it sounds! More on how to deal with the three levels in coming months.

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