For there to be conflict...

Conflict Matters

For there to be conflict…..

All we need are two ingredients: a difference plus an uncomfortable emotion. “Difference” means any difference over any issue over which it is possible to take opposing sides.

It doesn’t matter if we are talking about countries at war, conflicts within families or even, at a personal level, about internal conflict. In each case these same two ingredients are present: difference and an uncomfortable emotion. Without feeling at least slightly bad about one of the different positions, there is no conflict – just difference. Conflict only happens when we care, and the more we care, the bigger the conflict. Given that caring plays a huge part in who we are as humans, conflict is inevitable and so we all have to learn some techniques for handling it as we grow up.

The first “difference that feels bad” happens as a baby. Previously there was harmony – no disagreement over the issue of eating that next spoonful of baby food, for example – and then suddenly there was a difference on exactly the same issue: the parent’s view is that the food should go into the mouth, and the baby clearly has a very different view. Baby’s first conflict.

Babies are at a significant disadvantage when it comes to dealing with conflicts. Their options are extremely limited. One thing they can do with impressive creativity, is express how dissatisfied they are with the other party to the dispute. Apart from throwing a mini tantrum, what else can we do, as babies? We might refuse to open our mouth, or move our heads back and forth, constantly evading the approaching spoon. Or we might eventually relent, open and accept the next mouthful. What is so fascinating is that right there we have the three most basic responses to conflict and many of our common responses to conflict fit within one of these, even to this day:

1. We can fight and win. Few if any of us can claim never to have done this. Winning frequently feels good.

2. We can avoid the conflict altogether, by refusing to participate in the silly game the other party wants to play. Easy to feel we have taken the higher moral ground with this technique. Teenagers are very good at it.

3. We can accommodate the other, graciously giving what is needed to restore peace and harmony to the situation.

It is only a bit later that we develop the fourth, more sophisticated response to conflict: we learn to negotiate, to use our strength to engage in back and forth exchanges that result in something which is distinctly different from the first three: compromise.

Becoming familiar with these four basic responses, we can see them in play every day, all around us. And we each switch between them at will, depending on the situation. Yet most of us do tend to favour one a bit more than the others. Which one is your technique of choice? How well does it work? More to the point, how do you measure how well it works? Next time we’ll look at a fifth choice……

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