Getting along at work - part 2

Conflict Matters: “Getting along at work – part 2”

Last month I touched on a few pointers picked up during a morning with Carol Scholes¹. There was a lot more, including analysis of how conflicts begin and grow at work. Most start with a subtle level of discomfort; then there is an “incident” (e.g. (s)he uses someone’s coffee mug). Next comes misunderstanding: the coffee mug abuser says something which is just …..so wrong! Misunderstanding is always built on the foundations of discomfort and one or more incidents. And this builds to real tension which after a while everyone can see and feel. The last stage is crisis: it is all coming out, with challenges and accusations.

Each one of these distinct stages leads to the next, and each provides an opportunity to change the course of events. This month we are looking at what you can do if you see conflict developing between others at work. All that is required at the first level is a simple intervention. If you see any behaviour which is objectively unacceptable, give it a nudge. What is critical here is to ask a genuine open question, rather than talking at them. The behaviour is the topic, not the person. Something like: “What made you choose that mug?” could work. No one likes to feel accused. And always give them an escape route.

If you miss the incident(s), things can quickly escalate to “misunderstanding” and “tension” with the greatest of ease. Let’s assume you didn’t notice until the tension is palpable (after all, you are busy, right?) So now a serious intervention is called for. Planning is key.

First up, make a list of possible outcomes: best, worst , and then work on your responses. What am I going to do if they get: angry, defensive, upset, cry, quit? Think about where to have the conversation: consider going for a walk. Outside offers some advantages over the office, not least of which is fresh air for deep breaths. Personal power is also important: consciously adopt your preferred body position, tone of voice and speed of speech. Let silence do the heavy listening. A collaborative outcome is generally going to be more satisfactory than the alternatives. Try using physical objects to take the conversation away from personalities: Carol has used salt and pepper shakers to represent the two individuals, and then focused on a third object (e.g. a bowl) to represent the problem to be resolved.

If the conversation does not go as well as you hoped, reflect on your own behaviour afterwards. Were you: over-explaining, accusing, focusing of negativities, assuming you were right, predicting their answers, modelling good behaviour? All of us have one thing in common: there is always room for improvement in how we interact with others!

Previous ……….. Next